This post was originally made to my ko-fi page on the 20th of September, 2022 which can be found here.

I do a lot of thinking. Too much thinking, I think. But sometimes thinking is all you can do. The past few months I've found myself in a state of perpetual submission to my own fatigue & exhaustion. I've put a great deal of *thought* into the channel, but thoughts only get you so far. They can also start to become a burden after long periods of inaction.

The past few days I finally managed to make significant editing progress on the Dragon Buster video for the first time in roughly a month. I can't articulate exactly why I was unable to work on it; or why I've had so much trouble on what should be an easier and shorter production compared to most of my content. But to try and summarize: things have just been weighing on me lately. It has less to do with things being added to the equation, and more to do with the cumulative effects of a deeply unsatisfying job and uncertainty regarding the best course of action for escape.

Applying for new jobs and interviewing wasn't helping, so I stopped looking a few months ago. I even declined a few interviews. For the past year or so I have been coming to terms with the fact that I don't really want another job. When I get close to one, I just step away from it. I don't think a new job, even a higher paying one, would solve any core problems for me. It isn't the job itself. It's that I have too much I want to work on and make and do. I do like programming, but my previous job of coding soulless desktop & web applications in C#, and my current job writing scripts & queries in Python/SQL offer me zero satisfaction. Programming is a useful skill. But I don't want it to be my job. Or, even if it is, if I'm doing it I want it to be for me. Not for a company or an agency.

I've been working since I was 15. My first real job was at a Publix Supermarket. I've also worked at multiple Chick-fil-a locations, Old Navy, Jimmy John's, and the Red Cross. I've been an IT Help Desk employee, and an application development intern, and an application developer. Currently, I'm a "Systems Project Consultant". In all my time working various jobs I don't think I've ever felt an ounce of joy from any of them. I know it's not a unique stance to dislike your job or your work. But through working hard, working through college twice, and despite generally being viewed as and recommended as a "good employee" I just struggle with the thought of spending any more of my life like this. I don't think I have ever felt fairly compensated. I mostly just feel robbed of my life force.

(I know this is still a tough subject for me because I had to get up and take a walk after typing that to alleviate all the tension)

I'm no longer chasing a dream job. I'm chasing a dream of having no job. A situation where I can work on projects and bring my own ideas to fruition. HPRshredder, joint YouTube projects, indie game projects, mobile apps I want to make, etc. 

Currently, creating YouTube content is actually a large expense for me. But I feel positive about it. I love doing it. I get excited about it and excited about ideas of where I want to take it. I'm finally starting to allow myself to admit to myself that I want it to be more than just a side-project. While it's not the only thing I want to do, I think it's a beneficial and worthwhile endeavor. And I think it helps me a lot mentally to have this outlet that I'm working on that is just for me.

I don't know whether YouTube will provide that exit I'm looking for or not. But I'm going to allow myself to treat it as a serious option. At the very least, it's a launchpad. I'm going to keep working hard at it because I enjoy it and because I believe it's a worthwhile endeavor. 

Thanks for reading, and to those who have supported me, know that I greatly appreciate your support and that I find it validating.

~HPR